2008
Haunted Locations That Will Make You Pee Your Pants: Glamis Castle, Scotland.
Welcome to Scotland ladies and germs, home to such great things as good scotch, masculine man skirts and lots and lots of sheep as well as the home to our next stop on our tour of truly spooky places. But first many of us who have proven to be lightweights (and you know who you are) have to make a run to a laundromat to clean some underpants, they just could not hold their water when met with ghosts, ghouls and demons.
Standing as a silent stone sentinel over the ancient Celtic land of Scotland is the infamous Glamis castle. Since it’s foundations were first laid many centuries ago in 1372, Glamis is the oldest and consistently inhabited castle in all Scotland sort of giving it that lived in feel. Glamis is the ancestoral home to the ancient line of the Lord’s of Strathmore as well as the childhood home to the Queen Mother. Glamis Castle is considered by many to possibly be the most haunted castle in the land that gave us argyle socks and Hagis (Ever had it? It’s not that bad).
Historically speaking not many reports of murder and mayhem have filtered out from behind the castle walls in it’s long and illustrious history, however that has not stopped the many strange tales of ghosts and monsters that the kilt loving populace of Angus, Scotland all know and love. Perhaps the strangest story to come out of Glamis castle is that of the grotesque Monster of Glamis that is said to haunt the halls of the castle. As the story goes sometime in the late 1700s or early 1800s, depending on who you hear the story from, A hideously deformed child was born to the Lord and Lady of Strathmore. The parents were so horrified by the sight of their demon spawn they did what any proud loving parent would do to their first born son and heir to the Strathmore name and title, they took their bouncing baby boy(Can you smell the sarcasm) and locked him away in the most remote room of the castle.
According the midwife that delivered the pitiful child the boy was not expected to live. Can you imagine the horror the parents felt when the deformed child grew big and strong and downright ferocious. The “Monster” became to much to handle after killing numerous servants and the Lord of Strathmore was forced to wall the lad up in his room with only a hole for food and water. It is said that as the years went by and the male progeny of the Strathmore line inherited the title and lands on their twenty-first birthday they were taken to the secret room where the monster resided and forced to look upon their hideous kinsman who was the true heir to the Strathmore line. Many new Lords were said to be so deeply effected by the sight of the monster that they suffered from a deep melancholy that effected their standing in polite social society. When asked why they appeared so frightened and sad many Lords would fly into an uncontrollable rage and warn those who were bold enough to ask that if they inquired again it would be on the pain of their death. Needless to say many got the hint and steered clear of a Strathmore Lord when they had that all to familiar crabby look.
Finding the Castle’s fabled secret room had become such a popular pasttime for guests and family members that they played a game. They would run from room to room and hand any white linen out of the windows in the hopes that the secret room could be discovered. As the game players gathered around the exterior of the castle they were shocked to see not just one window but windows without a towel or bedsheet hanging. Indicating that Glamis Castle had many more myteries than previosly thought.
Apart from horrible monsters, Glamis castle is home to many ghosts. When tours of the castle are given the first stop of the tour is the Chapel. Tourists are shuffled into a small house of worship and told the tale of Lady Janet Douglas Strathmore, the infamous Grey Lady of Glamis. In 1537, Lady Janet was accused of the all too familiar crime of witchcraft and other crimes against God and Country and subsequently paid for her crimes when she was turned into a crispy critter on the stake all the while declaring her innocence. Her ghost, which appears as a phantom dressed in gray, is said to appear in her favorite seat in the chapel where she was oftentimes seen praying and offer supplication to almighty God. Those who have witnessed the gray lady claim that sits in her seat weeping and asking God for forgiveness and vanishing before the eyes of the witness causing many a sightseer to run from the chapel screaming in terror.
The Grey Lady is not the only spirit said to inhabit the castle as well as the grounds. One such spirit witnessed on many occassions is said to be the specter of a young girl who maniacally runs around the grounds screaming and showing the unfortunate witness a horrifying vision, her blood filled mouth where her tongue used to be. No one is quite sure who this grotesque spirit is however those who have seen her know one thing, they don’t ever want to see that again. Perhaps the saddest spirit said to haunt the halls of Glamis Castle is the ghost of a murdered African slave child. This little guy is said to haunt the door to the Queen’s chambers after being left their to die by his former overseers the Queen herself has been said to be witness to this sad little spirit.
Perhaps the most sensational ghost said to haunt Glamis castle is a regular party animal, the evil lord Earl Beardie. On a sunday afternoon, which in Scotland is considered the Lord’s day and thus holy, Beardie a guest of the Strathmore’s got stinking shitfaced drunk and searched the castle looking for anyone who would dare defy God’s special day and challenge him to a game of poker. Those who lived and worked in the castle had a seething hatred for the wicked Earl. Those who knew this frat boy knew him to be a drunkard, a womanizer and a blasphemer of God almighty so it was wise to avoid this guy as much as possible. Beardie became so enraged by those he considered cowards he bellowed at the top of his lungs, “If none of you will play then may the devil himself appear and play old Beardie.” Just then a tall man dressed menacingly in black appeared before the astonished eyes of those who watched the foolish Earl Beardie.
As the servants and the other guests listened at the door where Beardie and the stranger played their card game they could hear the boisterous voice of Beardie swearing and cursing God with every hand that he lost to the stranger. One curious servant was brave enough to put his eye to the keyhole to spy on old Beardie and his phantom stranger. As the servant peered through the keyhole there was bright flash of light that knocked the servant away from the door blinding him for the rest of his days. When the door opened, Beardie was alone, the black clad stranger had dissappeared. Beardie looked around at the faces of all those present and declared, “I have lost my very soul.” A few weekd later Beardie died.
As I said at a previous stop on our tour, sometimes when researching claims of the paranormal it is difficult to separate fact from from fantasy and Glamis Castle is no exception. However it does not negate the fact that many visitors to Glamis Castle have reported many strange and frightening experinces concerning the ghosts and ghouls that haunt the halls of this ancient castle. Glamis Castle is definately a scary but wonderful place. How are your underpants?
Rick E. Hale


