Being Undead Really Sucks!

Wouldn’t it be great if we could cheat our own death?  You know just walk up to the old Grim Reaper, hold your middle finger up to his black hooded face and declare, “Screw you, dude not today not ever.”  This has been a fantasy of mankind since we understood death and the lack of understanding about what comes next.  Many have done what they could do to slow down the clock and give the appearance of youth despite the fact that no matter how hard you try death will have it’s due.  Both men and women spend millions on anti-aging creams to take away the wrinkles and give the illusion of vitality.  Both sexes plunk down their hard earned cash to get the fat sucked out of their fat asses and some even purchase oxygen chambers in the belief that this will slow down the aging process.  However I got some bad news for you and I hate to sound maudlin but You are going to die, get over it.

  We may have an out though, if we are to believe what certain myths from the old world tell us, not to mention the countless books and movies that have been produced over the years, there just be a way to escape that most notorious of terrors.  Go to any major city say Los Angeles perhaps New York City and some would say that you have a better chance in New Orleans Frequent any night club that caters to the Goth set and tie a sign around your neck that simply reads, “Mr. Vampire, take me I’m yours.”   Sounds a bit ridiculous does it not?  However their are thousands who do everything but hang a sign from their succulent necks begging for some supernatural creature to bring them into the undead fold.

  The Vampire, as we know him in our western world, has become a cultural icon a rock star of the darker set if you will.  There is a very “Lively” counterculture in our country alone of folks who dress in black clothes, sleep by day in coffins, and spend thousands of dollars and allow a dentist to put them through the painful process of filing down their teeth and elongating their canine teeth just to give them appearance of their favorite undead romantic anti-hero.  Of course the great majority of these folks are completely harmless.  I have had the pleasure of knowing quite a few over the years and I can tell you that they are anything but dangerous.  They are normal, and very much alive people, just like you and I living out a dark fantasy sort of like trekkies but without the pointy ears and that damned Prime Directive.

  But with anything else the proverbial ball must drop and in light of a subject heavily immersed in mythology and folklore, what we know as the Vampire is so far off I can’t even think of a cool metaphor to describe it.  Despite what we have been led to believe the Vampire is not some dashing slick Euro-trash aristocrat who lives in the fog enshrouded mountains of eastern Europe who happens to have a love for evening clothes.  And neither are they the ambigously gay duo of Lestat and Louis, that has forced down our throats for almost thirty years.  The vampire, the Real vampire of folklore is far more terrifying and really isn’t that attractive to behold.

  The vampire that we know and love comes to us from the folklore of eastern Europe and that is pretty much where it ends.  The real vampire is a loathsome and pitiful creature that looks more like a corpse than some super sexy creature from a horror novel.  They are reanimated corpses that crawl from their grave wearing their death shroud that looks as if they have feeding upon it.  The vampire haunts the village they once inhabited and feeds upon their friends and neighbors and their flesh as well. 

  According to the folklore of eastern Europe a vampire is not created by mystical union between vampire and applicant by exchanging blood.  Suicide, which is believed by the christian church to be the ultimate sin against God, is the most common method by which a person becomes a vampire.  A suicide is not allowed to be in the presence of God because God gave you that life and how dare you bump yourself off without His permission.  Therefore the person who offs themselves is forced to wander the world in a death like state being a nightmare to all who once knew them.

  Since the suicide can not be allowed to be buried in hallowed ground friends and family took certain precautions to keep the dead in their grave.  Bodies were buried upside down to trick the undead into thinking they were diging themselves out of their grave when they were actually digging themselves deeper into the bowels of the earth.  Iron spikes were driven into the skull of a suicide because folklore tells us the brain is the seat of the soul and this precaution would kill the soul and keep the suicide in his grave.  Many don’t realize that the tombstone was a precaution to keep the returning revenant in the grave.  Heavy stones were placed over graves with the persons name inscribed upon it because they believed that your name had great power and could bind the corpse to the grave.

  In many Slavic countries a murder or an outlaw was considered a prime candidate for returning from the grave.  A child born with teeth or hair was especially feared because they would one day return from the grave to prey upon their friends and family.  Even a black cat jumping over  the grave of a fresh corpse was believed to bring a person back from their grave.

  To our twenty-first century mind this may sound like the superstitions of some ignorant European peasant.  However these beliefs were firmly entrenched in the minds of millions who believed beyond a shadow of a doubt that the dearly departed could return from the grave and feed upon the blood and life force of the living.  Consider if you will the strange story of Peter Plogojowitz.

  In Serbia of 1725, Peter was the typical peasant of the day. Peter cultivated and plowed a harsh land that gave very little back considering the blood, sweat and tears that he put forth everyday in the hopes that perhaps he could put a little food in the bellies of his wife and children.  All that would come to an end though when Peter’s life came to a tragic end when he was crushed to death by a cart that he was hooking up to his horses.  The sad mundane of Peter Plogojowitz had come to an end, or so it would seem.

  Several weeks after the Burial of Peter several citizens of the village were terrified when it was reported that Peter Plogojowitz was seen walking the streets of the village at night.  Many villagers shuttered their windows and securely locked teir doors at night to keep the dead farmer out.  When reports Peter’s friends dying under mysterious circumstances came to light the citizens of this small Serbian village banded together and shouted with one voice, “Enough is enough.”

  The historical account of what came next reads like a cheesey horror film.  The angry villagers and the village Priest made their way out the graveyard where Peter Plogojowitz slumbered in relative peace carrying pitchforks and torches.  They were on a mission and that mission was to rid themselves of a loathsome satanic creature.

  When the body of Peter Plogojowitz was dug up the villagers were repulsed at the sight of the corpse ad their suspicions were proven correct.  The body of Peter was discovered to be in relatively good health.  His body was bloated and red and a small trickle of what appeared to be blood was on the lips of the alleged vampire.  His hair had grown and his nails were longer, to them this was proof positive of the sinister nature of their friend and former countryman.

  Here is where the historical account gets a little weird.  When the priest poured a bottle of holy water on the body of Peter Plogojowitz, Peter let out a hideous scream and attempted to attack the crew that dug him up.  The villagers were able to beat Peter back into the grave and eventually cut the beast’s head from his body and burned his heart to ashes on a stone.  The depredations of the Undead Peter Plogojowitz was put to an end.

  Looking back on the strange case of the Serbian vampire modern day medical science has an explanation concerning what the villagers witnessed that day.  The ruddy bloated flesh is common when gases build up in cavities of the body and they have nowhere to go.  Since embalming a corpse was not a common practice of the day the red liquid issuing from the mouth of the corpse was probably the major organs decomposing.  The hideous scream that came from the grave was probably the gases escaping from Peter’s Body.   And as for the violent reaction when the priest poured the holy water on the corpse that was just the cosmic joker’s idea of having a laugh, again it was most likely caused by the gases escaping from Peter’s body.  Case closed on the Strange and terrifying story of Peter Plogojowitz.

  It would be easy to dismiss all cases of vampirism on escaping gases and decomposing organs if it were not for the fact that all major cultures down through history has some story concerning a creature that seeks to prey upon their fellow man.  In ancient Babylon, the undisputed cradle of civilization, has the story of the Lilitu.  The Lilitu was a group of evil spirits that flew through the air at night and crept into the windows of newborn children to feed upon their blood and steal their souls.  The Chinese has the Jiang Shi.  The Jiang Shi was an animated corpse that returned from the dead to feed not on the blood of their victims but on their lifeforce or their Chi by sucking it through their nose as they slept.

  The Aztec believed in and greatly feared a demonic spirit called the Cihuateteo.  This evil ghost had a skeletal head and stalked the jungles of ancient Mexico feeding on those unlucky enough to be in the jungles at night.  And the Japanese had a fairy like creature called the Kappa who fed on the blood and the flesh of unsuspecting victims.

  Due greatly inpart to the myth makers of Hollywood and the fertile minds of authors the world over it would appear that the myth and legend of the vampire is here to stay, even if they don’t get it right.  People can’t get enough of these bloodthirsty freaks they will pluck down their hard earned dollar at the local bookstore just to be lost in a dark romantic novel.  Yep it would appear the vampire is here to stay even if the vampire just plain sucks.

                                                            Rick E. Hale